Currently

I have so many thoughts swirling in my brain but it’s more than just thoughts, it’s feelings and emotions. There is so many things that I want to be doing that I am not. It’s like I know the things that I should be implementing in my life but I have fallen into this monotonous routine every.single.day and I am SO OVER IT!

I know that we lived before we came here to this earth and that there were certain things that I promised to do. I don’t feel like I’m giving 100% in any area of my life. I have been reflecting today on my past health problems and how so many of those have been erased, healed really in a better way to say it. I am so grateful. But my physical body deserves better, more than I have been doing for it. As I cry out to my Father in Heaven in prayer to please help me, please give me the motivation, the true desire to do what I need to do to strengthen my heart and my lungs, to build my muscles, to give me the ability to give more in my roles as a wife and a mother and as a therapist. Once upon a time ago, I thrived in the opportunity to work with these special little kiddos but I have lost that, and I have lost the love I have had to move my body and to eat healthier. I need all of those things to come back to me. Yes, there are other things that I would love to do with my life, I know that I am meant to do more but I know that right now that I need to find joy in where I am at right now, to be grateful for what I have right now.

I feel so blessed to have the beautiful home that we have, to live in such a great neighborhood, the funny thing is that I know that this isn’t permanent, nothing is. And as we decide to not sell our home right now, I am more content, it just feels right to stay put for now. There are so many ebbs and flows to life and things are ever changing. I know that this isn’t where our forever home is but I want to live as if it is, or if this was my last day on the earth.

Tonight, I have attended my own Christian concert, listening to powerful, worship music, music that I feel in my heart and soul. How grateful I am for music and the way it can express how I am truly feeling. Tonight the theme is my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. How I love Him. Because of Him, I am happily married and I am forever grateful. He has changed me and I want to continue to turn to Him to be changed even more. And in saying change, what I really mean is growth, becoming the best version of me. I cannot imagine not having the knowledge of Him. My favorite part in the Adam and Eve story, portrayed in the temple, is when Adam and Eve first hear that there is a Savior provided for them. It makes my heart burst every time. How I love Him and how grateful I am to know that because of Him, I can return back into my Heavenly Parent’s presence with my eternal companion and our little family.

Sometimes I feel so lost and overwhelmed but when I stop and think of the simple things, I am brought back to my Savior and I know that every single thing will be okay. I truly believe that with Him, all things are possible and that He knows and cares about the smallest things that bring me joy, even seeing dolphins on our cruise. I am a co-creator with Him. And I want Him to help me create the best version of me.

I recently hurt my wrist, I leaned on it weird and it popped really loudly. I finally went into the clinic today to have it looked at. They did an x-ray and I guess nothing is broken but something isn’t right so they are going to have me get an MRI on it. It’s one of those annoying things that seem to hinder what I was wanting to do. Literally I hurt it right before the Monday of starting to go to exercise with my sister lifting weights. So instead of asking why, I am trying to ask what am I to learn from this. I definitely have more compassion for my spouse and what he has dealt with with his own wrists. life is so paradoxical and there is definitely opposition in all things.

I had the thought yesterday, I can’t do that (a specific thing I am wanting to do) for 60 days or whatever but I can do it for today. And this is me committing to doing just that. I am going to do the things I want to do to be a better version of me for one day until it turns into 2 and 3 and eventually 60. This year I turn 40 and I want the rest of my time on the earth to be in better health than I’m in right now. I am so grateful for my body and what it has done for me. So grateful…but I want to be my best self.

So here’s to one day at a time.